12 Dec Mental Breakthrough
Dontcha just hate it when your brain slaps you across the heart and screams in perfect-Cher voice to snap out of it?
Yeah, that happened to me yesterday.
I won’t go into what the last six weeks have been like for me. I went on an emotional, mental, and ultimately physical rollercoaster that left me an absolute wreck. Highest high, lowest low, migraines, panic attacks – I hit a wall and couldn’t keep going.
Yesterday, I found my center. It was still there, waiting for me to quit being stupid. I can honestly say I haven’t felt this good in months.
You want to know what happened?
Here is the Cliff Notes version: I forgot who I am.
Now, I’ve never had a really concrete identity. But this time? I completely forgot who I am at my inner core. I took my eyes off my passion and put them on my obligation. I gave far too much to a day job that, if I died, would replace me before I could be cremated. I wasted several truck-loads of soul energy on a place that wouldn’t notice I was gone until the reports were late. And I did it for six solid weeks.
Yesterday, alone in my office, it hit me.
I hate it there. If I’d let my mounting frustrations consume me much longer, I would have left, sure – and would have hated the new job just as much if not more. Just like I’ve hated any other job I’ve had over the years.
Why? Because it’s a JOB. It’s an obligation. It doesn’t fuel me. It doesn’t make me happy. It’s not my passion.
I’m a writer who has to work to keep the electricity on. I’m not a worker who writes in the rare moments she can put a complete sentence together.
In that moment, sitting there alone, my heart rate leveled out, the nagging tightness in my chest eased, and I took the first deep breath I’d taken in six weeks. And last night, I slept like a rock.
I’m done giving that office my mental and soul energy. I’ll still work my butt off. I’ll still give it my usual 110% even though I know I’ll never be rewarded with anything except more work. And, if an opportunity should arise somewhere else, yeah, I’ll no doubt leave.
But – when it’s all said and done, when I’m locking the office door at the end of the day and heading for the time clock, I’m a writer.
I’m a writer.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got worlds that need attention. Y’all lock up and I’ll see you back here soon.